Presbyterians – Give me an AV

Presbyterians’ [Fn1] new hit single, “Give me an AV”[Fn2] (tune)

Hey over there
Please forgive me
If I like the good “King Jim”[Fn3]
Hate to stare
At your Bible
While they play my favorite hymn[Fn4]

So come here
‘Little closer
Wanna whisper in your ear
Make it clear
Little question
Wanna know just how you feel

If I said I miss my “thees” and “thous”
If we could escape the crowd[Fn5] somehow
If I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

Cause it speaks of paradise
And I need a translation tonight[Fn6]
So if I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

Hey you might think
That I’m crazy[Fn7]
But you know it sounds just right
I might be ‘little hazy[Fn8]
But you just cannot deny

There’s a book inbetween us
When we hear the preacher preach
I want more
Wanna see it
So I’m asking you tonight

If I said I miss my “thees” and “thous”
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

Cause it speaks of paradise
And I need a translation tonight
So if I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

[Spoken]
If I said I want your Bible
Would you give me an AV??

(Yeah) (Uh huh) (Oh)

Gimme something good
Don’t wanna wait I need to read (na-na-neat)
Read it like you should
And show me how you exegete[Fn9]

(Alright)

If I said I miss my “thees” and “thous”
If I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

If I said I miss my “thees” and “thous”
If we could escape the crowd somehow
If I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?

Cause it speaks of paradise
And I need a translation tonight
So if I said I want your Bible now
Would you give me an AV?[Fn10]

---

1. “Presbyterians” is an anagram of Britney Spears, the singer whose song (“Hold it Against Me”) is being parodied.
2. AV is an abbreviation for the “Authorized Version” also known as the King James Version, which is celebrating its 400th anniversary this year.
3. I don’t know anyone who actually refers to their King James Bible as “King Jim,” but they could!
4. I don’t actually endorse hymns of merely human composition, but “King Joms” to rhyme with “Psalms” was even more of a stretch.
5. The crowd of modern translations, of course: NASB, ESV, NKJV, Message, Living Bible, Amplified Bible, HCSB, etc.
6. After the Sunday evening worship service, or perhaps after the mandatory (see Hezekiah 3:16) Wednesday night Bible study.
7. And not just because I turned a Britney Spears’ song into a song about the King James Bible.
8. Hazy from trying to wade through all 15 of the archaic words found in the book.
9. You knew it was coming.
10. I hope this has been “relevant” enough for you.

To God be the Glory!

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Why Paul is not Welcomed in Thessalonica (while other "Christians" are…)

I read with disgust an absurd posting at AliElhajj.com (link to post). I thought it worthwhile to parody the posting by substituting Paul (as described in Acts 17, 14, and 2 Timothy 4:10). I suggest you read the absurd posting first, and then my parody below, in order better to understand the parody.

Last week Paul, an evangelical Christian, was arrested at or near the synagogue in Thessalonica. Since then Jason, who lives in Thessalonica, and some of his colleagues have been sounding the alarm- calling Christians to voice their concern over the persecution of believers in Thessalonica and the complicity of the Greek Police in denying the rights of Christ’s followers.

This isn’t the first time we heard this kind of thing. Not long before, Paul visited the nearby region of Lycaonia and was stoned! He and Barnabas described the incident as: “much tribulation.”

What is happening in Greece? Are the Jews taking over? Is Mosaic law coming? Are we at the precipice of the Judiazation of the Roman Empire? Nothing could be further from the truth.

What is happening in Thessalonica is the mobilization of a community against a group that is confrontational and aggressive.

Christians are not banned from preaching the gospel in Thessalonica. Consider this: Demas had a booth in Thessalonica this year. He was not escorted to the rulers of the city and the community did not rise against them. Why? The answer is love and respect. Demas listened, conversed, and had an appreciation for the perspectives they were offered. He had a love, and a respect, for their audience and his audience of Jews and Greeks responded in kind.

Paul has a confrontational style. Now, he claims he was not confrontational and that the testimony of certain devout women of the Greeks will bear this out. Let’s grant this. The problem is last year’s “outreach” to Lycaonia was so outrageous that the apostle wore out his welcome in that region. The community does not want Paul there and his mere presence is considered a threat to the public peace.

You cannot harass and accuse the ones you are trying to reach with the love of Christ- it simply does not work. Headlining your video entries with “assaulted the house of Jason” is alarmist at best and does not accurately portray the events at the synagogue.

Moreover, if you speak to Thessalonica’s residents, you will find that the last thing they want is Mosaic Law. Mosaic law is not coming to Thessalonica. I grew up in the Antioch, and in Thessalonica, and have Jewish family members living in Thessalonica. Thessalonica’s Jews do not want Mosiac law. Did anyone notice the support the Jewish community offered to the temple prostitutes this year? Is this a community seeking Mosiac law in Greece? How do you think Jews who see and hear about Paul’s epistles and Luke’s “Acts of the Apostles” react?

Paul is not unwelcome in Thessalonica because of his faith or because of his attempts at evangelism. He is unwelcome because he is abrasive, denigrates the ones he is trying to reach, and inaccurately represents Thessalonica’s residents. Paul did not form relationships with his audience and somehow missed the high value Jews place on relationships and respect.

In short, Paul lost the right to be heard.

(End of Parody)

-TurretinFan

To God be the Glory!

Parody of I will Survive – Humor Alert

This is humor. Don’t draw theological conclusions that may be unintended from what amounts, in some instances, to forcing words to fit the rough meter of the song. Parody.

To the tune of Gloria Gaynor’s, “I will Survive.”

First I was afraid
I was Petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without an infallible guide
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you exegeted wrong
I grew wise
I learned how Scripture applies
and so you claim
You dispense grace
I checked my blog to find you there
with that egg upon your face
I should have changed my rule of faith
I should have made you leave the keys
If I had known for just one second
you’d be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
’cause you’re not welcome anymore
weren’t you the one who tried to burn Wyclif’s Bible
you think I’d crumble
you think I’d lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to read
I know I will stay alive
I’ve got all my life to live
I’ve got the Word of God that’s giv’n
and I’ll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength God gave
not to fall in heresy
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of your bad theology
and I spent oh so many nights
pondering the magisterium
I used to cry
Now I hold my Bible high
and you see me
somebody new
I’m not that chained up little layman
still venerating you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to fear thee
now I’m saving all my loving
for the God who’s loving me

I’ve embedded the original (?) Gloria Gaynor song below via YouTube:

-TurretinFan

To God be the Glory!